Death of a Houseplant
by Dark Magician Girl Aeris
Summary: Tribute to Kayasuri-n's Sword and Shield universe. A homicide detective sits plotting the death of a houseplant, much to her partner's amusement. Oh, dear... Rated 'M' for language. No violence, no sex... just language. Shame, Brenda, shame.


Okay, everyone, here's the deal. You all know I'm a diehard Mewtwo fangirl, and in my quest for goodies I've come across a few real gems, be they artwork, AMVs, or fan fics here on this site. Unfortunately, said gems are few and far between- most people out there, as I'm sure we've all noticed, can't write the really deep characters for beans. Still, authors like my friends Abby and Shiguya do give me hope, and now I want to add another writer to the ranks of "Really great writers who can do cool things with deep characters (namely Mewtwo)"- the authoress Kayasuri-n. When I first found Kaya's work, it was after a long afternoon of trying to indulge my fangirl side and failing miserably. There was just nothing there... until I came across a fic of the crime genre. Wait a minute. Crime? What the heck is this?

The answer was simple. "This" was Sword and Shield, a story in which Mewtwo, in an effort to stop Giovanni, gets caught up with a human detective by the name of Brenda Johnson. Needing to get closer to what Brenda can learn, Mewtwo actually goes as far as to use illusions to pose as Brenda's new partner, a human named Vahan Smith. Unfortunately, he isn't really prepared for the world he gets thrown into...

In all honestly, though, it wasn't Mewtwo's rather humorous reactions to things (he almost dies of embarrassment the first time he meets Brenda's sister Alison, who's clothes would make a hooker blush and who's views on... um... _other subjects_ are just that out there and seem to become a running gag of sorts) that cinched the story for me- it was the foul-mouthed, coffee-guzzling Brenda with her extreme antisocial tendencies and her very, very unique threats. Brenda isn't sure what a pancreas is or where it goes, but by god, she will pull it out through your ear. Brenda is an excruciatingly lively character even as she curses the world and everyone in it, especially her sister and psychics in general. Fun character.

And then, as if Sword and Shield wasn't perfect enough, Kaya did a sequel- the precariously titled Jokulhaups- that somehow managed to live up to everything it's predecessor had set and more as we got to see more of Brenda's background revealed (her mom kicks ass) and run into a few more jokes, including... and this is coming from left field... the houseplant.

You read that right.

Here's the pretence- Brenda ended Sword and Shield in the hospital, and Mewtwo, in a rare moment of consideration (mostly because he thinks it's his fault) decides to get her a cheerful little plant. Problem. Brenda isn't exactly the green thumb type- more of the black hand of death. She's so clueless that at first she actually feeds the plant coffee because it looks tired. That's how bad Brenda is with plants. And yet somehow this plant actually manages to come back from the brink and thrive, eventually- and this merited mention in Kaya's 100-word challenge Train Wreck- growing healthy enough to bear flowers. How the hell did that happen? Well, that was it for me- I had some sort of hair brained idea to work with and I was writing. What can I say? It was _raining_. So now I give you this tribute to Kaya and her crew. Writing Brenda was fun, as she's so off the wall different from any character I have ever had, and I was glad for the chance to bring her to life and share her with all of you- with Kaya's permission, of course. Okay, I've rambled long enough- this intro is half as long as the actual story is. So let's go!

* * *

She was really starting to hate that plant.

Glancing up from her paperwork, Brenda met the stare of the very pretty, very _alive_ blossoms for about the hundredth time that day. Today some rookie actually had the gall to say the stupid thing looked nice. She told him to say it again and she'd feed him his own liver. 'Nice' had no place on her desk.

Why wasn't the damn thing dead yet?

It was her partner's fault, it had to be. She never watered it, save for the occasional dregs from her coffee, and she certainly never fed it, so by all rights the plant should have keeled over faster than the shooting victim they'd found last week. Maybe that would work. Maybe she could shoot the plant. She pointed her finger at it, muttering the word 'bang' under her breath, and pictured it exploding in a flurry of leaves and petals. Yes, that would be very satisfying... except you couldn't 'accidentally' shoot a plant in the middle of a police station. And however she offed the plant, she had to make it look like an accident.

Maybe the stupid thing had already died and Mewtwo was replacing them when her back was turned.

Actually, that was a funny thought... and highly possible. Maybe she'd already had four or five of these stupid things, and her partner was replacing them when they died behind her back. She eyed the plant critically. Nope. There was no way to tell if it was the same one. Frowning, Brenda grabbed a paperclip and quickly unfolded it. Once she had it reasonably straight she stuck it down into the pot along the edge, pushing it in until she couldn't see it. There. Now she'd know if he replaced the pot... unless he replaced the paperclip, too. She wouldn't put it past him. Uppity psychic bastard...

Of course, it was probably more likely that he was feeding the stupid thing.

He would do that, wouldn't he? He would feed and water that damned potted plant just to spite her. There were no plants on his desk, just the one on hers. Stupid Mewtwo. Maybe she could just move the plant instead of just killing it. She could pick up the plant, march on over, and plop it on his desk, right in front of everyone. Hell, it might even be pretty funny. Especially if she kept the pot. That would be funny, scatter dirt all over his immaculate little workspace, a little trail of soil leading from his desk back to hers, and the empty pot just sitting there, an empty pot with a paperclip in it...

No, then it would just end up back on her desk the next day.

Coffee had seemed to be doing the trick pretty well. Coffee had been doing the trick very well, but now that Mewtwo had told her coffee was bad for houseplants that would end up looking deliberate, too. Setting it on fire was out, too, it looked too deliberate... And besides, that would set the sprinklers off. Actually, that gave Brenda an idea. Could you drown a plant? Submerge the roots and keep watering it until it died? She could tell her partner that she'd actually tried to take care of it. Well, if she honestly thought he was that stupid, she could. Damn it, how could she make this stupid thing die?

"I will kill you," she swore solemnly to the plant.

"Now, Detective, that's not a very nice thing to say." Brenda jumped, looking up at 'Vahan' with guilty eyes. He was looking down at her with an amused little half-smile, one hand hidden behind his back. She decided she didn't want to know why; the papers in his other hand were probably more important. He held them out. "The Captain wants to see you in his office. He has some questions about the case last week." She snatched them with a scowl. The smile almost broadened. She glared.

"Quit smirking and get back to work, Smith."

"Yes, Detective." For just a moment his eyes flashed purple as she stood, stomping off towards the main offices without a backwards glance. Uppity psychic, she'd find a way to kill that plant and wipe that stupid smile off his face... fucking houseplant...

'Vahan Smith' fought back an even broader smile as he watched Detective Johnson storm off. Her contempt towards the houseplant was one of the few things he could really sit back and be amused by; the irony of a homicide detective plotting the death of harmless foliage appealed to him. Shaking his head slightly, Mewtwo lifted the bottom-most leaves of the plant to spray around the base with the squirt bottle he'd been hiding behind his back. The liquid plant food, usually hidden in the bottom drawer of his desk, was the best remedy he had found for the coffee poisoning Brenda had inflicted on the poor plant when he'd first got it for her. It had taken a lot of careful nurturing to make it healthy again- when her back was turned, of course. His mouth twitched. It was rather fun, this private war they had over a little plant. It kept things interesting. At least until she started threatening to shoot him.

And then, well, at least the plant would look nice...


End file.
